El Fadl

December 19, 2012

Every night my heart splinters like the dissipation of thought. Every night melts the heart that has become frozen by the indifferent cold. I stand before you burning in the inferno of my soul confronting what my delusions have allowed me to ignore. I stand humbled by the silence, a mere beggar at Your door. In the silence, I am banished by reproach, I am rehabilitated by hope, and I confront the …turbulence of my soul. What do I say to the One who knows the sigh before it leaves the heart? What do I say to the one who can see the glimmer of light in the midst of the darkness in my mind? What do I say to that one who indulges the pretenses of my intellect but rekindles the truth in my heart? What do I say to the one who observes my ostentatious pretext take me to heights of self-deception, but every single time receives me when I fall apart. What do I say to the one who knows the end before the start?   If I say I love You I fear that my notion of love is terribly flawed. If I say forgive me I fear that my presumptuousness will set us apart. If I say take me I know that your hands only touch the purified. My God, I am in fear of my   fear. The filth on my hands begs to be purified, and before I seek to touch You have I cleansed the impurities clinging to my heart?   No, I do not say or talk. I sit here stubbornly clinging to this singular spot. Adorned by the silence of this night, I listen to the reproaches of my soul.   God, we are but a luscious cover of skin punctured by holes. We covet to intake and emit through enthralled skin punctures until we eventually rot our very core. Mesmerized by the pandemonium of senseless noise in life, we are oblivious to the corruption of our mind and soul.   In the silence I know. I know that I am tired of the discord in my thoughts. I know that I am tired of the clamor of my breath, and the racket of my heart. I am sickened by the clangor of my teeth, and the bedlam gushing from my mouth. I am tired of the bawling of tears, and the dissonance of dreams. I know, so I strive to ignore the moaning of my body and its lecherous holes. I strive to escape every single distraction of noise or sound, and in the truth of silence I know what cannot be ignored. There comes a moment in time when all the voices will fall silent before the Lord. The silence of humility is broken only by the whispers of self reproach (20:108). I must live this moment now for he who does not rehearse the inevitable is most certainly a fool…   ~Khaled abou el Fadl


December 9, 2012