August 12, 2008
do i know true liberation…
do i have the intensity of passion,
have i truly been set free?
can i fly?
can i pick up and leave tomorrow?
what is holding me back?
what can be greater than my Only destination…
what can be of more importance than my Ultimatum?
for if there is something that seems to be worth my attention,
to be worth the distraction…
then i have been fooling myself all this time,
i must be nothing but a fool…
debasing myself with this world and its’ blinding shine
debasement is truly degrading…wouldn’t you agree?
well, then…wait a minute…
maybe i have learned to fly,
and it’s just that i need to keep off the ground,
par ba par, learning to fly higher and higher…
have i experienced the true ecstasy of separation…
separation from the visible and an ultimate union with the invisible,
my eyes maybe lacking me, but my heart is fulfilling me…
my senses are thriving, in complete flight!
and look, what might that be…. it tastes like expansion!
oh how i must learn to fly high,
above the waters of the seas,
across the mountains, lands,
weaving in and out of blue and green
flexing my being in and out,
moving off and away,
where…might i ask…
to a place where the hurting is no more,
to a corner where contentment is finally found,
not beyond this world, but within it…
i am sure i will find this place,
a place my heart yearns for,
for my heart is in constant search of peace,
i cannot find it here, no not here,
my path is not broad enough here,
my path doesn’t seem to expand easily here,
my mind is constricted, my body exhausted,
oh how i yearn for this place…
but wait, maybe my wings will carry me,
maybe my flight could be my escape,
par ba par, paiy ba paiy, one, two,
i long to be gone from sight,
for then no one can touch me,
no one can come close by,
for proximity leaves its’ traces!
let me be gone, let me be gone,
to a place where my mind is nourished
somewhere it can thrive by the scholarship of knowledge,
i need knowledge, i strive for it, why can’t i have it?
why are they holding me back?
for what? i don’t see anything i need to stay for,
maybe i am blind? maybe i am the crazy one?
truly, i am not sure sometimes,
whom is the one blinded here?
either i am blinded by what i cannot see,
or they are blinded by what they see too much of…
please tell me which?
i need to know, for i need to know what to do…
my heart is not calm here, it’s in tribulation,
tribulation from sinn, the trials are becoming harder
with each passing moment, each passing breath,
its becoming hard to breathe i tell you,
please believe me,
please take me seriously,
i am suffocating on the sinns of this land,
on the spreading blackness over my heart, spot by spot,
sometimes i see it, other times i don’t
this is when it has truly become dangerous!
i take refuge, i take refuge, i take refuge in the ONE
my breath escapes me before i can hold it,
before i can feel it even…
….and i am still searching for my salvation,
still wondering where to turn, who to ask,
i am lost, in this land of disbelief,
return me to my home,
return me now!
i know it exists, no matter how many times you tell me it doesn’t
you tell me i am home, now..
but i don’t believe you,
for i don’t feel that it is,
it’s not a matter of seeing and believing, no, never
it’s about knowing it through and through, your entire being,
your heart will be at calm, your mind in great progression
and your body in lightness and detachment from all physicalities,
oh how i dream, how i imagine…
what flight it will be!
Y’Allaah, please take me to where i truly belong,
please bring me back home,
to where I found my heart,
to where I felt eternal happiness,
to a place where i need not worry about anyone
a place where my only nourishment was remembrance
where my true indulgence was in shukr and sabr,
every second was gratitude, every minute realization,
no time passed by without understanding
no such thing as forgetting!
oh what a place…
Ya Madinatun Nabi
why i have i left you?
why i have gone?
what grave mistake have i made?
to return to nothingness?
to return to blackness?
i wasn’t in my right mind,
Y’Allaah, I take refuge…
first and foremost for this sinn of leaving,
for I had no right, how could I?
i do not know….
I ask of you Y’Allaah,
if you will forgive me,
please take me back,
let me be your guest once more,
a guest… is all i ask for….
and until then, lead me by your Will…
lead me by your Merciful hand…
taking mine within yours,
guide me through the lands of knowledge,
through the steep hills and harsh mountains,
to come to you, solely in Qaalb
Ya Muqaalib al Quluub thabbit Qaalbi Ala Deenak!
pave the paths for me, the paths of Ilm….
that of Ilm-ul-Din, oh what mercy!
Ilm that will only lead to Amaal…
is what I ask for, in the breath of this dunya
and in the breath of the next!
I breathe for Ilm, I breathe for Ilm,
I taste for some taste of it,
I search for even the slightest scent of it,
I yearn, oh how I yearn,
how you know that I do!
while trying to make my escape, take my flight,
fly with the wings You have given me,
and weigh nothing in the air,
there and not there,
existing in non-existence,
I fly to You, I fly to what will smooth the rocks for me,
through discipline, detachment and ultimately….
purification! flight! freedom!